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Imagine, if you will... the leader of the Fifth Invader Force reporting to the commander in chief...
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars?"
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei.
A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat."
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat! Dreaming meat! The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally. Yes. They are indeed made out of meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say? 'Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she was not familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,
"Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I am not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't touched you," growled the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied. "But, you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
This story was compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about.

It is intended as a guide for American travellers only. No guarantee of accuracy is ensured or intended.

General overview:
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.
It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with not very good shopping.
France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to western civilisation are champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine.
Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people wilfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at all times.
The People:
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and undisciplined; and those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess it from their behaviour. Many people are communists, and topless sunbathing is common.
Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie, and they kiss each other when they hand out medals. American travellers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball caps and colourful trousers for easier mutual recognition.
In general, France is a safe destination, though travellers are advised that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on much as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee to London.
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor tiles.
Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though, confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom is to be trusted, frankly. Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most current State Department intelligence, the President now is someone named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
And nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except, perhaps, an evening with a French family -ha! ha! ha!).
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this word.
In general, travellers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their lorries and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, Exocet missiles, champagne, high-calibre weaponry, grenade launchers, landmines, tanks, attack aircraft, Antoine de Caunes, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
Public holidays:
France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in Triumph (as if he Won the War Single-Handed) Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is Great and the Rest of the World is Crap Days. Other important holidays are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St Brigitte Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for it is that it is not Germany.
A word of warning:
The consular services of the United States government are intended solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5:15 am and 5:20 am on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified dentists or something similarly useless.
Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to as well.
Thank you and good luck. God bless America
   The five stages of drunkenness:

   Stage 1 - SMART

   This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the
   known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your
   knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.

   And of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. this makes
   for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

   Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

   This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the
   entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect
   stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in
   mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
   subject under the sun.

   Stage 3 - RICH

   This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You
   can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck
   full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this
   stage, because of course you're still SMART, so naturally, you will win all

   It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy
   drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING
   person in the world.

   Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

   You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially
   those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because
   nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners
   of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of the wits
   or money.

   You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are smart, you're
   RICH and Hell, you're better looking than them anyway!

   Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

   This is the final stage of Drunkenness. at this point you can do
   anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU, You dance on a table to impress
   the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot

   You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can
   walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one
   can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know ALL the

   The Five stages of Hangover

   Stage 1 - Stupid

   As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations
   only dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic
   drill headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley/Baileys/[add tipple
   most consumed night before] Two-Step, you realise that you have lost
   not only several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on

   You are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you
   get onto your third bacon sandwich.

   Stage 2 - Ugly

   Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror
   first thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less
   attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the
   combined effect of the booze and smoky/sweaty atmosphere given you a
   glorious collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over
   night or are shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with
   a sanding block! Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better
   than to try paper over the cracks.

   Stage 3 - Poor

   Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out
   the door when you discover that the money you got from the cashpoint to
   last idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet
   leads you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to
   curry and lagers at some point, alternatively your pocket will have
   been picked or you will have given the taxi driver a 50 note by mistake.

   Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that
   you would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the
   only one who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all

   Stage 4 - Made of Glass

   As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of
   the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect

   Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you
   think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

   Stage 5 - Circus Freak

   Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause
   from a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete
   your misery by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends,
   shouting at you and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and
   Worcestershire sauce in or eat greasy food as "its the only thing that
   will make you feel better". You are too stupid to know where to hide
   and too conspicuously ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy alka
   seltzer and too fragile to hit them.

A physicist, an engineer, and a computer scientist were discussing the nature of God. Surely a Physicist, said the physicist, because early in the Creation, God made Light; and you know, Maxwell's equations, the dual nature of electro-magnetic waves, the relativist consequences... An Engineer!, said the engineer, because before making Light, God split the Chaos into Land and Water; it takes a hell of an engineer to handle that big amount of mud, and orderly separation of solids from liquids... The computer scientist shouted: And the Chaos, where do you think it was coming from, hmm? ---Anonymous

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the
mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box
and again opened it, slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out
again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed
harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" To
which she replied, "There certainly is!"

(are you ready?) ... this is a beauty ....

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL"

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